The school summer holidays are just around the corner, and with ‘Pool returning to pre-season training tomorrow I thought it might be interesting to break down Ian Holloway’s performance as manager last season in the way that a school report might read…
Maths: Had his hands tied financially despite promotion to the Premier League being worth nearly £90 million to the Seasiders. Worked wonders with what he had to spend, even if money was wasted on the likes of Malaury Martin and Salaheddine Sbai.
Grade: A-
English: Always good for a quote, even if he wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea. At times his press conferences were as entertaining as the Seasiders’ football.
Grade: A-
Science: Managing in the Premier League in such circumstances was a real acid test for Ollie, and he came a whisker away from being top of the class.
Grade: A-
Business Studies: Despite signing the likes of Matt Phillips and Craig Cathcart, his plan of attracting talented young players to the club, polishing them up, selling them up and reinvesting the profit seemed to go out of the window for the large part. Signing players off the basis of a DVD is not a long term business model.
Grade: C-
ICT: His fake Twitter account fooled Sky Sports News, but the reality is that Ollie doesn’t use computers much – he leaves it to his lovely wife Kim.
Grade: U
Physical Education: Regular readers of his Independent column will know all about his health kick. It’s a shame the players couldn’t have a permanent fitness coach though…
Grade: C-
Design and Technology: He created the system and style of play that got the Seasiders promoted, but failed to adapt it adequately when things started going against us this year.
Grade: C-
Art: Despite the blip in the second half of the season, the football that the Seasiders played was a real work of art and engrossed a nation, if not the world.
Grade: A*
Music: Burst into song during his last pre-match press conference of the season, and also danced away to Ghanian music in the dressing room at West Ham. Chants of ‘Ollie, Ollie, give us a dance’ were also heard regularly.
Grade: C
Languages: A master of the English language, but his inability to speak in foreign tongues meant limited opportunities in tangerine for the likes of Sergei Kornilenko.
Grade: C-
History: All too aware of the club’s rich history. Always quick to pay homage to the likes of Jimmy Armfield.
Grade: A*
Geography: Moved up North to demonstrate his commitment to the club.
Grade: A
Headmaster’s comments: One of the most popular and hard working pupils around, Ian came within an inch of achieving top marks last year.
Needs to work hard this year to improve on where he went wrong last year, thus realising the potential that we all know he has.
To do this he would be advised to distance himself from disruptive classmate Karl Oyston, else he as well could find himself stood in the corner, facing the wall and wearing the ‘Dunce’s Cap’.
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